Leaders Essentials: Working with Difficult People (I)

It took me a long time to get this, but when I did, it paid off. There are no difficult people, but people in difficult circumstances who act out.  When you have an understanding of where people are coming from, you are better able to understand and get along with them. There is a proverb that says when you point your finger at others, the remaining four are pointing right back at you. It is always easier to blame others for being difficult but it is important we also check ourselves. A good way to get along with people as a leader is to operate more as a relational leader than a positional one. When you get to know your team members individually and you have a relationship with them, they are more inclined to get along and go with you. I heard this quote a long time ago that "Rules + Regulations - Relationships = Rebellion + Resentment." All that said and done, it is important as a leader you know there are different types of difficult people, and no cap fits all when seeking a resolution. Your response as a leader is key to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. When you change your response, you'll change your life.

When confronted with a difficult situation, you can respond in the following ways - physical, verbal and mental. Your ability to manage each factor will help you during tough situations. When someone gets you mad, what do you do? You can choose to respond at that time, which i doubt will help matters, or you can walk away (physical response) to calm down and think things through (mental response) and finally respond (verbal response) . When you respond verbally, it is key that you do not blame the party, but seek how to solve the situation. When you cannot walk away, I have noticed that taking deep breaths will help dissipate your anger. An effective leader acts more like a thermostart rather than a thermometer. Your ability to manage your physical, verbal and mental response will help you in getting a resolution with difficult people. Having a negative response to a bad situation is equally as bad as creating it in the first place. When I was a lot younger and wanted to set things right, I discovered that people focused more on my response to the problem than what caused the situation itself. I was really frustrated by this and I learned the importance of responding appropriately to tough situations. You can't change anyone but you can control how you react to situations.

Remember that when you control  how you respond - physically, emotionally and verbally, you can turn a difficult situation around and get the difficult person on your corner.

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A leaders nightmare: Multi-tasking

The secret of concentration is elimination," Dr Howard Hendricks". Research has shown that you are more productive when you do one thing at a time rather than attempting to do several things simultaneously. According to Andy Stanley, the less you do, the more you accomplish. The Gallup organization research showed that the most successful people are not well rounded people. They are  people who focused on their strengths. It seems natural that aspiring young leaders want to prove themselves, and so they get involved in several things in the organization. Except you are the best in everything you do (amateur leaders think so), this is not an effective strategy for growing your organization, in fact you are harming your organization by denying other people who have an expertise in a particular area. While it may seem attractive to dip both hands into the work pie, you need to focus on what you do best. When you do this, you produce maximum results and this builds your credibility as a leader. You are not the leader because you are the best person for all job descriptions, you are the leader because you can inspire others to bring out their best. The best leaders set up their teams for success by aligning talent with specific job roles. I have been frustrated a times with output when I did not consider a persons strength before delegating a particular task.  When I matched  people with what they were good at, they excelled and were always motivated to do more. Your flaws are at a minimum when you operate in your strengths.

Think about it? How many people have met Tiger Woods, Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, Beyonce, Bruno Mars, etc . I am sure  that number is really small, but they are loved by millions all over the world. Why you may ask? It is their talents that made room for them all over the world. So, aspiring leader, when you focus on your focus(strengths), doors will open for you. Lesson in point: When you focus on who are you and channel that into your career or organization, you become irresistible.

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Super Bowl - When the lights go out

I was drawn into the Super Bowl when the lights went out for about 35 minutes and the game momentum changed. The scores were initially 28 - 6, with the Ravens having the upper hand. I was particularly interested because success in life is dependent on how well we are prepared for unforeseen circumstances. I was curious to know how the blackout was going to affect both teams.   We get insurance,  practice fire and earthquake drills to prepare us for the undated exams of life. I thought a well prepared team should be ready, regardless of any surprises the stadium might have. It was evident that the blackout affected the momentum of the Ravens, but not enough to rob them of their championship. The 49'ers were hard pressed to the floor and couldn't go any lower, so they took the blackout opportunity to bounce back.

If there is a take home message for that game, it is this -  even the best of plans can go awry, but what will make or break you is how well you have prepared for the unexpected.  How prepared are you for the unexpected? Do you know that your computer can crash without warning? What will give you some relief is if you backed up your data (DropBox). I am not admonishing us to become paranoid about everything, but to incorporate potential scenario solutions to your plans should something go wrong. Can you imagine what would happen to your organization if the only person that can make a change on an issue suddenly left? Be a step ahead of the game by having ready solutions when life happens.

  On the flip side, the 49'ers earned my maximum respect. They refused to be defeated in their mind and they lost the game fighting. They used the blackout as an opportunity to get it right again. What blackouts are you using as crutches not to achieve greater? Achievers use stumbling blocks as stepping stones. That is exactly what the 49'ers did, though they did not win the Super Bowl, but they will be remembered as the comeback team.

What blackouts have you had and how did you overcome them?

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It's Never too Late: Meet Kelvin Okafor

Believe it or not, you are not looking at photographs, they are drawings. I will like to introduce to you my OPEL (Ordinary Person, Extraordinary Life) for the month. Meet Kelvin Okafor, a 27-year-old British Artist, born to Nigerian parents. Kelvin, like many of us, had mixed feelings of following his passion. He felt his parents would not support his passion considering numerous unrecognized talents in the world. He won their support and graduated from Fine Arts at Middlesex University in 2009. He uses only pencil and graphite for his drawings, which are often mistaken for pictures. Today, Kelvin's drawings cost about $16,000 a piece with a time average of 80 hours. Kelvin has won several awards and accolades and his work is currently being shown at the British Science Museum. His drawing of the late King of Jordan is being presented to Queen Noor of Jordan. 

Looks great doesn't it? We have read about Kelvin Okafor, a fast rising star. If Kelvin never believed in his dream and pursued it, the world would have missed a great talent and probably he would have been second best doing another job. Kelvin refused to play it safe, instead he followed his passion. Like Kelvin, there is a seed of genius in you. Remember that talent or idea that was crushed or laughed at? Guess what? It's time to bring it back, no more excuses. Please don't tell me you are old and past your time. Susan Boyle came into limelight on the Britain's Got Talent Show at 47. Talents never gets old, excuses do. Time is of the essence, you are a gift to this generation. There is something in you that can make our world a better place. Just do it.

Turning Points Video

I am excited to premiering my online video of my book titled, Turning Points: Action Today, Change Tomorrow. Enjoy!

Who are You?

Really, who are you? Lets do a quick exercise.  Close your eyes for 30 seconds and ask yourself, who am I? What image of yourself did you see? Did you like what you saw? What influenced what you saw in your mind? Was it your past, education, grades, family, trauma, beauty or other people's perception? Each and everyone of us is where we are today based on the decisions we have made. Our decisions are based on our self perception and awareness. It is crucial we discover who we are because it affects what we are capable of doing. Walt Disney closed his eyes and imagined Disney Land. Steve Jobs closed his eyes and he saw Apple. Martin Luther King closed his eyes and saw an America where people will be judged by the content of their character, and not the color of their skin.  Barack Obama was the product of his dream. When you close your eyes, what do you see? Barack Obama, Walt Disney and Steve Jobs had their challenges, but they refused to let them define who they are and who they can become. 

The bend of a road is not the end of the road. Life might have dished you some unfavorable cards, but your setback can be a stepping stone to your comeback. The question of who you are is a difficult one, but it is vital you find an answer to that question.  No one really knows your situation like you do so do not let other people define you by their yard sticks. When I faced the question (who are you), I read a book titled, "In Pursuit of Purpose" by Myles Munroe. I remember he mentioned that every thing that is made solves a problem. A pencil solves your writing needs, a chair solves your comfort needs, a lawyer solves your legal needs, and a doctor solves your health needs. Similarly, you are a solution to a cause or people some where. You are not part of the problem, you are a solution. You are meant to be celebrated and not endured. When you are on the wrong job, relationship or place, you always feel like a problem.

The way you are is because of why you are. Celebrate your individuality and express your originality. Regardless of what you have gone through, you need to start seeing a positive image of the real you.  There is no present without a past and you have the ability to rewrite your future. When you do that, you become like a precious metal that adds value where ever you are. You will apply for jobs you love to do and not the ones you think you can get. You become a people leader because you are able to relate with others. Who you are and who you are going to become is dependent on the decisions you make. When you discover who you are, you will see the best, give your best, and do your best.

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Are you a Pregnant Leader?

Today the world population is over 7 billion people and counting.  Our ability to reproduce after our kind has kept the human population growing, and prevented it from extinction. In essence, reproduction is what ensures growth and longevity. Similarly, it is crucial that leaders reproduce other leaders to ensure the continuity of their organizations. A wise man once said,"You can teach people what you know, but you can only reproduce who you are." The primary goal of leadership is not to have followers, but breed other leaders. Great leaders should never be content with having yes people around them, but they should surround themselves with people better than themselves.

According to John Maxwell, a leader without a successor is a failure. If you are doing great things in your organization and there is no one to continue your legacy, then what was the point of starting them in the first place? A leader's trophy is multiplying other leaders because that's what ensures a better future for the organization. Insecure leaders are often frightened, and look for ways to pull down their rising stars. Great leaders birth other leaders through coaching, mentoring, training and giving them opportunities, which sets them up for success. Insecure leaders on the other hand, keep growing followers. Take a look at any established home, organization or business, and you will find it has great leadership with a solid succession strategy. 

Are you a pregnant leader? Will your organization, team or business, survive and thrive after you are gone? Who are you grooming, mentoring or training?  Until what you know can be duplicated in someone else, you don't have a mastery of it yet. It is never too late, start today.

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Are you a star in waiting?

I was watching the news the other night, and there was a lot of media frenzy about the designer and dress Michelle Obama was going to wear for the President's inaugural dinner. Four years earlier, Michelle had defied the odds and chose a relatively unknown designer. Her action led to the birth of a new international designer, Jason Wu. Prior to his stardom, Jason was found of his pizza meals and the relative unknown corridors of the wannabes. Four years later, the First Lady of the United States, picked Jason Wu again. Jason was no longer a one hit wonder.

Okay, i get it. You are not interested in what Michelle Obama wore, but lets take a deeper look at her decision. Michelle chose to do what made her happy, rather than do what was expected of her. She knew the big name designers were once unknowns themselves. What made them great was because someone took a chance on them. Michelle's pick of Jason Wu did not make him an International designer, but it recognized him as one. Her pick was a great recognition of all his hard work and dedication for all his unknown years. Jason Wu was a star in waiting.

It can be frustrating when you have worked hard and it seems there is no return on your investments. Jason Wu knew better than to give up during such times. He knew the back stage was for preparation, and his future success was going to be determined by what he had done during those times. Jason gave everything he had to follow his dream and when the opportunity to get on stage came, he was ready. Like Jason, your time will come. When that time comes, the joy will be greater than all the years of sweat and pain. You are a star in waiting. Keep keeping on, you will make it.

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How to wear the right labels

I heard a true-life story about John. He had to be moved to a special class in school because he was labeled as slow. John recalled that his friends called him names like stupid, idiot, and slow during break times. Fortunately, about two weeks later, it was discovered that John had an eye problem and not a learning disorder. John got his thick glasses, and he was back in his old class. One would assume that things went back to normal for John, but he said his vision had been fixed, but not his heart. All the negative labels had taken a hold of him. John said though he was now a grown man with kids, he still felt slow a times and out of place. John's story illustrates first hand, how the power of wearing the wrong labels can impact our professional and personal lives.

Like John, everyone one of us has been labelled at some point in our lives. The impact labels have on us, depend on how we are able to respond and deal with our accusers. The truth is, we cannot stop people from labeling us, but we can control the effect it has on our lives. People might have called you stupid, fat, ugly, dumb, unworthy, trash, useless, etc, but the important thing is how you see yourself. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. It is time to take back the power you have given your labelers, by living the life you were born to live. No one has the final authority over your life but you. It is not wise to make someone else's opinion your facts. Do you know that you are smart, bright, funny, cool, beautiful, adorable, worthy, valuable, problem solver, a gift,  a great friend and wonderful manager. Before you get carried away, there is one thing you have to do. In order to wear your new labels, you have to take off the old ones. How do you do that? You have to forgive your ignorant labelers, and release them in your mind. You have to forgive yourself and be prepared for a fresh start. Start seeing yourself in a new light by saying the right things about yourself (see me and my big mouth). Never call yourself awkward, dumb, fat, or all those negative things. You are not all that, you are more than that. You are a gift to this world and your existence is proof that you have something to offer. Say it, believe it and live it.

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Feedback = Growth

I remember a near miss incident that happened to me over a decade ago. I was driving within town when suddenly I heard someone hunking intensley. I saw a man on a motor bike and decided to park. I had mixed emotions when I approached the person to find out why the hunking was deafening. The biker said I nearly knocked him off and he went to town about it. After inquiring about his health and found out that he was not hurt, I contended his argument because I am very meticulous about checking my mirrors. On speaking with my dad about the issue, he said the biker was probably in my blind spot. I learned a vital lesson that day. Contrary to popular belief, what you do not know can hurt you.

Everyone one us has a blind spot and not getting feedback from trusted friends or colleagues could hurt us on the long run. I know many people are often afraid to solicit feedback because they feel it is biased or it may bring up some issues they are not prepared to deal with. Feedback is a gift because it helps us to reinvent ourselves and become better in the process. Feedback lets us know what we excel at and ensures we keep at it. Feedback is what measures how much you have grown and improved over a certain period. Just like a mirror gives feedback about how you look and gives you the opportunity to make adjustments, such is the power of feedback from a trusted friend. Feedback is a gift. Make the most of it.

Who is giving you feedback on your blind spots?