Before you say yes

 

The divorce rate in America is too high.  According to Brian K. Williams et al, - Marriages, Families & Intimate Relationships. About 50% of new marriages end up in divorce. People who get divorced believed at some point in their lives that their partner was the best thing that happened to them. It amazes how their love became their worst nightmare. I believe in the adage that a broken relationship is better than a broken marriage. That is why it is important to get it right rather than make it right. Not all dating relationships should end up in life time commitments. While the process of breaking up is painful, the experience often lives us stronger and wiser.  The process of dating is often a time to see how both parties are able to consolidate on their strengths and work out their differences. Couples who have a successful dating process have a higher chance of enjoying the rest of their lives together. A friend told me that her mum always reminded her that people are like coins. There is a great side and the not so fancy side. In order to be happy, you have to see both sides of a person and chose whether you can live with them happily without trying to change them. A relationship is like a house with many rooms. In other for the house to be live-able  the rooms have to be functional. The morale is this;  it is not wise to make a life time commitment to someone just on one factor. Hollywood shows us that it takes more than the bedroom to make a house a home. You need to check the friendship room, communication room, parenting room, forgiving room, personality room, purpose room, leadership room, etc.

Similarly, choosing a career is like finding a life long partner? The dating periods are your internships, classes or even your first job. The essence is to find out if it is a good fit for you.  There is no point in trying to force a dating relationship to be long term if it is not working. A broken relationship is better than a broken marriage. A sign of a good relationship includes being yourself and loving your partner shouldn't seem like solving a complex algebraic equation. Similarly, any job that does not support, develop and encourage who you are is certainly not worth it. If you have to change who you are in other to be accepted or fit in to your work environment, proves that you have a job and not a career. If that is the case, you may need to do the right thing and break up. If you choose to patch your career relationship, it is just a matter of time before the employer gives you the boot. You deserve the best. So, why take chances when you can have choices.

 Do not let your relationship become another statistic. In true love, there are no returns, refunds or exchanges. Don't rush or fall into love, it is a life time commitment. You need to go into it with both eyes open.

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TeamWork: Handling Conflicts (1)

How many times have you backed away from an idea or lost your voice just because you wanted to avoid conflict. You are probably afraid of hurting someone's feelings or losing a relationship.  Any connection that does not allow or encourage you to express yourself is retarding you. It  is  important to take responsibility for expressing yourself and not waiting for permission from others to do so. Expressing yourself  can potentially  save your company or others valuable resources and time, if you decide to speak up for what you believe in. Patrick Lencioni, a leadership guru, and  the author of "The Five Dysfunctions of a Team", said it was  a myth that great teams do not have conflicts. He argues that absence of constructive conflicts on a team indicates artificial harmony, which is unhealthy for any high performing group. If everyone appears to think the same on a group, it shows there are people who are hiding their thoughts. I believe that people who refuse to express their ideas just to maintain the status quo are more harmful to a relationship or an organization than the potential conflict that could have occurred.

  Conflict does not have to mean war or a shouting contest between people. Conflict means you have a diverging opinion from someone else. Everyone says variety is the spice of life and that means we should be proud and happy to share our diverging points in our relationships and work places. Conflicts become unhealthy when our approach focuses on an individual rather than the issues  at hand. This makes people defensive and they are no longer listening to what you are saying. Resolving conflicts should not be with the aim of saying "I am right and you are wrong", but how the different perspectives can move the group forward. In handling conflicts, seek first to understand than to be understood. When you see where a person is coming from, you are better able to make a constructive contribution that will help your team. Do not say "it will not work" or "that does not make sense". You only make the other person try not to look dumb and you are at a deadlock. Rather, tell your team member the things you agree on or what the merits of their proposal is.  Ask they provide more information on  areas you are struggling with.

Healthy Conflicts can make a group more productive by creating open communication, eliminating suspicions and building ties that bind the group together. It is okay to disagree to agree. Great relationships and organizations are about unity and not uniformity.

Check out part 2 in coming posts.

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How to lose a friend

These days the word friend has really been watered down. The advent of social media and technology has created many virtual relationships. Many of these relationships lack depth and often crumble when tested. One of the best gifts of life is having  great friends. Friends are like warm blankets when the world gets cold on us. Some relationships will come and go but your true friends are for life. Friendship is a heart thing. True friends bring out your best and like precious metals, they add value to you.  It is true we all want good friends, but do we have what it takes to keep them. My mum always told me to be the friend I wanted to have.  So how can great relationship go from great to flat? Gossip separates the best of relationships. You don't gossip about your friends, it should end with you. Don't spread the flames, kill it. Gossip destroys trust which is the basis and foundation of any relationship. If your friend does something wrong, your role is minimize the damage and not leave them outside to dry. A true friend stabs you in front and never at the back.

Envy and  jealousy have destroyed many good relationships. It is not healthy to be jealous of your friends. I know we are human and the thoughts come to all of us, but it becomes a problem if you start acting out your envy by attacking your friends or silently rejoicing when things don't work out for them. A friend of mine once told me that you do not envy want you want to become. If you are uncontrollably envious of your friends, it is a testament of your insecurities that you have to deal with. Great friends are to build each other up and not tear each other down. My friends success is my success and vice versa.

Are you the kind of person who holds grudges and always reminds your friends of their weaknesses? No one wants to be around someone who reminds them of things they have done wrong. A mark of great relationships is forgiveness. I am not endorsing letting repeated behavior be ignored, that in itself is unhealthy. Whatever you reward will be repeated. 

Do you tell your friends the truth? Many people either through fear of hurting  or loosing a relationship, do not tell their friends the absolute truth. It is your responsibility to tell your friend the truth, it is not your responsibility to manage their response.  True friends tell you the truth even when you dont want to hear it. If you dont tell them, you will loose them when they find out from someone else.

Finally, your friends are not magicians. If there is something that is important to you that can help your relationship, let your friends know. One of the greatest poisons of any relationship is having too much expectation from anyone person. Great relationships are developed when both parties focus on what they can give rather than what they can get.

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Tough Times Never Last

 “Tough Times Never Last Tough People Do”, a famous quote and book by Robert Schuller. The truth is, tough times would come to all of us, but what makes the difference is how we handle them. The  toughest time in my life was when my mum died. Those were challenging times and I had to mature quickly because of the responsibilities I assumed. What made my journey easier was the love I received from family, close friends and my local church. I couldn't have imagined what my experience would have been like without their support. Please you don't have to handle tough times all by yourself. Find people who love  and believe in you or seek counsellors for help. Many  people become discouraged and eventually get depressed, while others use tough times as stepping stones to greater things in their lives.  Contrary to western culture, asking for help is an attribute of the strong and not the weak.

 No one enjoys going through difficult situations but looking back at my experiences, I have realized that my toughest times were the ones that developed and helped me become a better person. Tough times measure your strength and it reveals who you truly are.  I must admit, it is difficult to see the gain in pain during these times, but tough times will develop your backbone.  The problems you encounter today will be someones solution tomorrow. That difficult subject,  job, assignment, colleague or manager you would rather avoid, is actually preparing you for your future career and handling people with difficult personalities on your leadership journey. Diamond is birth when extensive pressure is applied to carbon. Similarly, your tough times can make you better or bitter, your perspective is what makes that call.

In the words of Robert Schuller, "Tough Times Never Last but Tough People Do.". What doesn't break you makes you stronger. You can handle this.

Valentine's Day

Have you ever been in a situation where your kindness was taken for granted or  someone else got the credit for your hard work. If you have ever been in these situations before, it can be frustrating and hurtful. What typically happens is you protect yourself from further hurts and you stop doing those things you thought people abused. On the other hand, you can become unhealthily competitive because you want to win someone's approval. I believe an important question we should ask ourselves is what motivates us to show acts of kindness. Are we being kind because it is the right thing to do or are we unconsciously trying to buy over others through our actions? I believe we should always do things for others because it is the right thing to do. It doesn't matter if it is appreciated or not, our contentment comes from doing the right thing. I didn't always have this mentality but having been burned several times, I discovered my problem was in my expectation. I learned that my actions of kindness to others was my gift to them and I had no right expecting anything from them in return because that was not my motive. Don't get me wrong, I agree it is nice to be valued and appreciated for your contributions to the team or relationship, but you and I have no control over that. At the same time, I do not want to live in a world where my actions are dependent on the response of other people. That tells me I am no longer in control of what I want to do.

What does Valentines day mean to you? I believe it means selfless love. A love with no strings attached.  A love that does not feel that it is owed.  A love that appreciates everyone that has helped you along your journey or made your life a little easier. The true valentine is not a one day affair, it is a life style. If your partner, spouse or boss wrote you a note appreciating your efforts, am sure it will make your day. So, why dont you make someones day on Valentines by appreciating them. Happy Valentines everyone! Thank you for taking time to visit my blog.

Leaders Essentials: Working with Difficult People (I)

It took me a long time to get this, but when I did, it paid off. There are no difficult people, but people in difficult circumstances who act out.  When you have an understanding of where people are coming from, you are better able to understand and get along with them. There is a proverb that says when you point your finger at others, the remaining four are pointing right back at you. It is always easier to blame others for being difficult but it is important we also check ourselves. A good way to get along with people as a leader is to operate more as a relational leader than a positional one. When you get to know your team members individually and you have a relationship with them, they are more inclined to get along and go with you. I heard this quote a long time ago that "Rules + Regulations - Relationships = Rebellion + Resentment." All that said and done, it is important as a leader you know there are different types of difficult people, and no cap fits all when seeking a resolution. Your response as a leader is key to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. When you change your response, you'll change your life.

When confronted with a difficult situation, you can respond in the following ways - physical, verbal and mental. Your ability to manage each factor will help you during tough situations. When someone gets you mad, what do you do? You can choose to respond at that time, which i doubt will help matters, or you can walk away (physical response) to calm down and think things through (mental response) and finally respond (verbal response) . When you respond verbally, it is key that you do not blame the party, but seek how to solve the situation. When you cannot walk away, I have noticed that taking deep breaths will help dissipate your anger. An effective leader acts more like a thermostart rather than a thermometer. Your ability to manage your physical, verbal and mental response will help you in getting a resolution with difficult people. Having a negative response to a bad situation is equally as bad as creating it in the first place. When I was a lot younger and wanted to set things right, I discovered that people focused more on my response to the problem than what caused the situation itself. I was really frustrated by this and I learned the importance of responding appropriately to tough situations. You can't change anyone but you can control how you react to situations.

Remember that when you control  how you respond - physically, emotionally and verbally, you can turn a difficult situation around and get the difficult person on your corner.

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A leaders nightmare: Multi-tasking

The secret of concentration is elimination," Dr Howard Hendricks". Research has shown that you are more productive when you do one thing at a time rather than attempting to do several things simultaneously. According to Andy Stanley, the less you do, the more you accomplish. The Gallup organization research showed that the most successful people are not well rounded people. They are  people who focused on their strengths. It seems natural that aspiring young leaders want to prove themselves, and so they get involved in several things in the organization. Except you are the best in everything you do (amateur leaders think so), this is not an effective strategy for growing your organization, in fact you are harming your organization by denying other people who have an expertise in a particular area. While it may seem attractive to dip both hands into the work pie, you need to focus on what you do best. When you do this, you produce maximum results and this builds your credibility as a leader. You are not the leader because you are the best person for all job descriptions, you are the leader because you can inspire others to bring out their best. The best leaders set up their teams for success by aligning talent with specific job roles. I have been frustrated a times with output when I did not consider a persons strength before delegating a particular task.  When I matched  people with what they were good at, they excelled and were always motivated to do more. Your flaws are at a minimum when you operate in your strengths.

Think about it? How many people have met Tiger Woods, Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, Beyonce, Bruno Mars, etc . I am sure  that number is really small, but they are loved by millions all over the world. Why you may ask? It is their talents that made room for them all over the world. So, aspiring leader, when you focus on your focus(strengths), doors will open for you. Lesson in point: When you focus on who are you and channel that into your career or organization, you become irresistible.

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Super Bowl - When the lights go out

I was drawn into the Super Bowl when the lights went out for about 35 minutes and the game momentum changed. The scores were initially 28 - 6, with the Ravens having the upper hand. I was particularly interested because success in life is dependent on how well we are prepared for unforeseen circumstances. I was curious to know how the blackout was going to affect both teams.   We get insurance,  practice fire and earthquake drills to prepare us for the undated exams of life. I thought a well prepared team should be ready, regardless of any surprises the stadium might have. It was evident that the blackout affected the momentum of the Ravens, but not enough to rob them of their championship. The 49'ers were hard pressed to the floor and couldn't go any lower, so they took the blackout opportunity to bounce back.

If there is a take home message for that game, it is this -  even the best of plans can go awry, but what will make or break you is how well you have prepared for the unexpected.  How prepared are you for the unexpected? Do you know that your computer can crash without warning? What will give you some relief is if you backed up your data (DropBox). I am not admonishing us to become paranoid about everything, but to incorporate potential scenario solutions to your plans should something go wrong. Can you imagine what would happen to your organization if the only person that can make a change on an issue suddenly left? Be a step ahead of the game by having ready solutions when life happens.

  On the flip side, the 49'ers earned my maximum respect. They refused to be defeated in their mind and they lost the game fighting. They used the blackout as an opportunity to get it right again. What blackouts are you using as crutches not to achieve greater? Achievers use stumbling blocks as stepping stones. That is exactly what the 49'ers did, though they did not win the Super Bowl, but they will be remembered as the comeback team.

What blackouts have you had and how did you overcome them?

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It's Never too Late: Meet Kelvin Okafor

Believe it or not, you are not looking at photographs, they are drawings. I will like to introduce to you my OPEL (Ordinary Person, Extraordinary Life) for the month. Meet Kelvin Okafor, a 27-year-old British Artist, born to Nigerian parents. Kelvin, like many of us, had mixed feelings of following his passion. He felt his parents would not support his passion considering numerous unrecognized talents in the world. He won their support and graduated from Fine Arts at Middlesex University in 2009. He uses only pencil and graphite for his drawings, which are often mistaken for pictures. Today, Kelvin's drawings cost about $16,000 a piece with a time average of 80 hours. Kelvin has won several awards and accolades and his work is currently being shown at the British Science Museum. His drawing of the late King of Jordan is being presented to Queen Noor of Jordan. 

Looks great doesn't it? We have read about Kelvin Okafor, a fast rising star. If Kelvin never believed in his dream and pursued it, the world would have missed a great talent and probably he would have been second best doing another job. Kelvin refused to play it safe, instead he followed his passion. Like Kelvin, there is a seed of genius in you. Remember that talent or idea that was crushed or laughed at? Guess what? It's time to bring it back, no more excuses. Please don't tell me you are old and past your time. Susan Boyle came into limelight on the Britain's Got Talent Show at 47. Talents never gets old, excuses do. Time is of the essence, you are a gift to this generation. There is something in you that can make our world a better place. Just do it.

Turning Points Video

I am excited to premiering my online video of my book titled, Turning Points: Action Today, Change Tomorrow. Enjoy!