Race, Races and Racism

In loving and healthy relationships, there is no unhealthy competition. Health relationships strive for a win-win environment. The absence of healthy relationships between people, communities and different races, creates an atmosphere of suspicion which is followed by resentment and rebellion. Different races can get along if they choose to let go of the past, forgive and forget, and treat everyone as individuals. This was what Nelson Mandela did in South Africa. No race should expect any other race to treat them in a particular way to feel special. We are all special and created equals. The foundation of any solid relationship has to be love, and love means trust. We have to get to know each other,  have an understanding of where people are coming from, and celebrate our diversity. This will help build communities that foster healthy relationships.

 What is Hate? Hate is judging a book by its cover. It is based on rules, perceptions, stereotypes and acting on them. Hate is making decisions based on assumptions. What is love? Love is opening a book and giving it a chance. Love grows, love is intentional. Be a lover and not a hater. We all have the seeds of love in us, all we have to do is water it.

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Celebrate Little Beginnings

Do not despise your days of little beginings, celebrate it.  Arnold Schwarzenegger started weight training at age 15 and at age 20, he won Mr Universe and from there, won Mr Olympia seven times.  Great people climb to the top, the journey is what makes their experiences special and they can pass their strategy to others. The problem comes when you and I compare ourselves to people who have succeeded and loose sight that they once struggled through the very things we are going through now. You don't have to be great to start but you have to start to be great. Facebook did not start with a billion members, that number keeps on growing. They had no clue it would get that big, but they still tried their idea anyway.  The road to success is always under construction. Learn to celebrate your little successes because their collection is what brings a turning point in your life. The only thing you cannot do is what you have not tried to do.  What idea have you been afraid to give a chance?  Your idea may be the next big thing, but you will never know until you act on it . Start now!

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Ain't Nobody Got Time For That

You can have excuses or results but not both. Excuses are meant to be kept and never given. It is time to take action and take responsibility for your life. What's going to be your excuse? Just do it.

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Making of a Champion

In life you do not always get what you want but what you negotiate.The road of a champion is always under construction. It is never about the destination but the journey.You cannot be giving excuses and be expecting change at the same time. There is a price champions pay. It is doing the little extra, and this makes them extraordinary.  Surround yourself with dreamers and doers, the believers and the thinkers, but most of all, surround yourself with those who see greatness in you, even when you dont see it yourself. Your greatest asset is your mind, guard it at all costs. As you think so you are. Think like a champion and act like a champion, you are one. It all starts in your mind.

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Mess 2 Message

Everyone of us is a work in construction. According to statistics, half of the people reading this blog are from a broken home. Some have grown up without having a father to care for them. Some have been abused, bullied and  gone through challenging situations. While we would rather not have these experiences, they are what makes us unique and the people we are today. Our past can make us or break us, the choice is ours. Did you know that LeBron James father was an ex-convict? He grew in less than diserable neighborhoods but he decided not to let his background put him on the ground. The poverty and pain he was exposed to became a  motivation to get a better life for himself and family.  His motivation came from his mess and that became his message. A story that inspires all today.

The largest room on earth is the room for improvement. Don't let your past become a reason to use a crutch on your journey. You can become better, you can have a new outlook on life. The only person between who you are now and who you want to be is you. Do you know that the broken are masters at mending? Your experiences can make a difference in peoples lives today. Quit focusing on yourself and have a broader perspective on life. Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in prison and had every right to be mad and seek justice. Instead, he pursued peace because of his dream of building a great country. He looked beyond his needs just to provide a future for another generation. You may need to let go of that pain inside, so that the greatness in you can be birth. A general is not without battles, testimonies come from tests and for every cross, there is a crown.

What experiences have you gone through that can help someone or prevent anyone from taking a wrong turn? If you can do this, It makes your experiences remarkable.

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Life is not Mathematics

How many times have you and I felt some pain because we blew an opportunity? It is a fact that you may not get an opportunity to make a second impression, so that's why it is better to get it right the first time. Similarly, It is better to not have an opportunity but be prepared, than have one and not be prepared. When preparation and opportunity meet, success is born. According to Confucius, " Success depends on previous preparation and without such preparation, there is sure to be failure." You may have felt you missed the last bus at some point in your life, but do not worry, the bend of a road is not the end of a road. Life can be likened to the GPS technology, because any time we miss my exit, it always comes up with a rerouted plan.  It may take longer to get there than anticipated, but it is the end that justifies the means.

There is more than one route to your destination. Where there is a will there is a way. The world always makes room for a person who knows where they are going. The Wright brothers were told their dream of making a plane would fail, but they followed their heart. You are not too young or old to pursue your dreams. If you think you have missed the last bus, start walking towards your destination. If you dont always want to start afresh, then you have to stop giving up or making excuses.

Life is not mathematics. Situations will not always go as you have planned, but do not get discouraged from giving your best.  Your opportunity to be recognized for all your hard work will come in form of a problem that only you can solve.  The gap between reality and expectation is a painful one, but when your time comes, the pain will become insignificant. Life's opportunities are not dated and when your moment comes you must be prepared to walk through It. It takes only a moment in time to move from zero to hero. I hope you will be prepared when that happens.

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Lets talk about money

 Everyone wants to have a great life. You dont need to earn a million dollars to do that but you need a little extra to enjoy some perks. There are many things I learned about money that I wished I had known earlier. A lot of us who are not business or finance majors, have not invested time getting to know the fundamentals. Education prepares us to be good workers but fails to teach us how to keep and multiply what we earned. It is paramount that we all find time to educate ourselves about how to make money work for us.  Many companies no longer pay pensions and even social security is at the brink of collapse. There are suggestions to increase the retirement age and that means people may have to work longer. I don't want to keep working all my life if I have the option of my money doing that. I was watching a program on ESPN2 about  many athletes who had earned millions in their careers became bankrupt after retirement. Mik Tyson earned over $400 million during his career and yet filled for bankruptcy. Michael Jackson did not die a wealthy man after making a fortune in his life time. You may be thinking you don't have that amount of money, and you don't have to worry. The truth is a future that is not prepared for is short lived. You may be having a hard time financially now, but the lessons you learn about money can make a difference in your future.   It is time to start showing some interest in some financial education.

 I started by reading the Richest man in Babylon and Rich Dad Poor Dad.  Some simple tips are I follow are - I buy only what I can afford.  Do you really need a credit card? My credit card is used mainly to acquire points and is always payed off every month. Have a monthly budget, make your own meals and reduce the amount of dining outside. Save a percentage of whatever you earn. It is important you separate needs from wants.

I remember reading "The Millionaire Next Door", Thomas Stanley measured wealth as how long you can maintain your life style after you stop working. Robert Kiyosaki, the author of Rich Dad Poor Dad, said the difference between the rich and the middle class is based on how they think. The rich mind  sees an item that is expensive and asks, "How can I afford this". The poor mind says, "It is too expensive" and looks for an alternative.  You may want to look at yourself other than the degree you got in college, and use your hobbies/talents to increase your income. What  are hobbies that can translate into a potential income for you?

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Bulletproof

I was speaking with a friend recently who had a traumatic experience growing up. This experience  made him not trust anyone. According to him, many of his "friends" took advantage of him and  this prevented him from having any significant relationships with others. It is natural to guard our hearts to prevent negative experiences from reoccurring. My friend wore a bulletproof vest to protect himself. While you may have been disappointed by the people closest to you. It is crucial that you allow the past guide, and not control you. Not everyone who looks like somebody you used to know will cause harm. It is fine to guard your heart from negative people and experiences, but wearing a bulletproof shuts everyone out.

You will be living life at half potential, if you choose to become emotionally unavailable due to the past. It is important to seek counsel and forgive your offenders in other to move on. It is difficult, but you have to get your life back. Your experiences may predispose you to doubts, but you have to overcome them. I am not suggesting that your experiences are not significant, but let them make you a better person by making informed choices. Your experiences will be holding you back, if you let them paint everyone in the same color of your past experiences. If you are from a background where infidelity ruined a great home, it is possible to have trust issues. The way out is to find mentors who have stable homes, and ask them how they were able to have   healthy relationships. Choosing to believe that everyone cheats will make you suspicious, unfulfilled and will eventually crash you relationship.

People do not care how much you know till they know how much you care. So, it is paramount that you connect with people without having any preformed prejudices. Hanging unto the past will only hang potential great relationships. Please let go, forgive yourself and others, and move on. Your life is meant to be enjoyed and not endured, but it is a choice only you can make. If you want to wear a bulletproof vest, wear one for dream and joy killers and those who want to pull you down. Otherwise, take it off, and choose to live a life devoid of anymosity, grudges and bitterness.

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Before you say yes

 

The divorce rate in America is too high.  According to Brian K. Williams et al, - Marriages, Families & Intimate Relationships. About 50% of new marriages end up in divorce. People who get divorced believed at some point in their lives that their partner was the best thing that happened to them. It amazes how their love became their worst nightmare. I believe in the adage that a broken relationship is better than a broken marriage. That is why it is important to get it right rather than make it right. Not all dating relationships should end up in life time commitments. While the process of breaking up is painful, the experience often lives us stronger and wiser.  The process of dating is often a time to see how both parties are able to consolidate on their strengths and work out their differences. Couples who have a successful dating process have a higher chance of enjoying the rest of their lives together. A friend told me that her mum always reminded her that people are like coins. There is a great side and the not so fancy side. In order to be happy, you have to see both sides of a person and chose whether you can live with them happily without trying to change them. A relationship is like a house with many rooms. In other for the house to be live-able  the rooms have to be functional. The morale is this;  it is not wise to make a life time commitment to someone just on one factor. Hollywood shows us that it takes more than the bedroom to make a house a home. You need to check the friendship room, communication room, parenting room, forgiving room, personality room, purpose room, leadership room, etc.

Similarly, choosing a career is like finding a life long partner? The dating periods are your internships, classes or even your first job. The essence is to find out if it is a good fit for you.  There is no point in trying to force a dating relationship to be long term if it is not working. A broken relationship is better than a broken marriage. A sign of a good relationship includes being yourself and loving your partner shouldn't seem like solving a complex algebraic equation. Similarly, any job that does not support, develop and encourage who you are is certainly not worth it. If you have to change who you are in other to be accepted or fit in to your work environment, proves that you have a job and not a career. If that is the case, you may need to do the right thing and break up. If you choose to patch your career relationship, it is just a matter of time before the employer gives you the boot. You deserve the best. So, why take chances when you can have choices.

 Do not let your relationship become another statistic. In true love, there are no returns, refunds or exchanges. Don't rush or fall into love, it is a life time commitment. You need to go into it with both eyes open.

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TeamWork: Handling Conflicts (1)

How many times have you backed away from an idea or lost your voice just because you wanted to avoid conflict. You are probably afraid of hurting someone's feelings or losing a relationship.  Any connection that does not allow or encourage you to express yourself is retarding you. It  is  important to take responsibility for expressing yourself and not waiting for permission from others to do so. Expressing yourself  can potentially  save your company or others valuable resources and time, if you decide to speak up for what you believe in. Patrick Lencioni, a leadership guru, and  the author of "The Five Dysfunctions of a Team", said it was  a myth that great teams do not have conflicts. He argues that absence of constructive conflicts on a team indicates artificial harmony, which is unhealthy for any high performing group. If everyone appears to think the same on a group, it shows there are people who are hiding their thoughts. I believe that people who refuse to express their ideas just to maintain the status quo are more harmful to a relationship or an organization than the potential conflict that could have occurred.

  Conflict does not have to mean war or a shouting contest between people. Conflict means you have a diverging opinion from someone else. Everyone says variety is the spice of life and that means we should be proud and happy to share our diverging points in our relationships and work places. Conflicts become unhealthy when our approach focuses on an individual rather than the issues  at hand. This makes people defensive and they are no longer listening to what you are saying. Resolving conflicts should not be with the aim of saying "I am right and you are wrong", but how the different perspectives can move the group forward. In handling conflicts, seek first to understand than to be understood. When you see where a person is coming from, you are better able to make a constructive contribution that will help your team. Do not say "it will not work" or "that does not make sense". You only make the other person try not to look dumb and you are at a deadlock. Rather, tell your team member the things you agree on or what the merits of their proposal is.  Ask they provide more information on  areas you are struggling with.

Healthy Conflicts can make a group more productive by creating open communication, eliminating suspicions and building ties that bind the group together. It is okay to disagree to agree. Great relationships and organizations are about unity and not uniformity.

Check out part 2 in coming posts.

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