How to lose a friend

These days the word friend has really been watered down. The advent of social media and technology has created many virtual relationships. Many of these relationships lack depth and often crumble when tested. One of the best gifts of life is having  great friends. Friends are like warm blankets when the world gets cold on us. Some relationships will come and go but your true friends are for life. Friendship is a heart thing. True friends bring out your best and like precious metals, they add value to you.  It is true we all want good friends, but do we have what it takes to keep them. My mum always told me to be the friend I wanted to have.  So how can great relationship go from great to flat? Gossip separates the best of relationships. You don't gossip about your friends, it should end with you. Don't spread the flames, kill it. Gossip destroys trust which is the basis and foundation of any relationship. If your friend does something wrong, your role is minimize the damage and not leave them outside to dry. A true friend stabs you in front and never at the back.

Envy and  jealousy have destroyed many good relationships. It is not healthy to be jealous of your friends. I know we are human and the thoughts come to all of us, but it becomes a problem if you start acting out your envy by attacking your friends or silently rejoicing when things don't work out for them. A friend of mine once told me that you do not envy want you want to become. If you are uncontrollably envious of your friends, it is a testament of your insecurities that you have to deal with. Great friends are to build each other up and not tear each other down. My friends success is my success and vice versa.

Are you the kind of person who holds grudges and always reminds your friends of their weaknesses? No one wants to be around someone who reminds them of things they have done wrong. A mark of great relationships is forgiveness. I am not endorsing letting repeated behavior be ignored, that in itself is unhealthy. Whatever you reward will be repeated. 

Do you tell your friends the truth? Many people either through fear of hurting  or loosing a relationship, do not tell their friends the absolute truth. It is your responsibility to tell your friend the truth, it is not your responsibility to manage their response.  True friends tell you the truth even when you dont want to hear it. If you dont tell them, you will loose them when they find out from someone else.

Finally, your friends are not magicians. If there is something that is important to you that can help your relationship, let your friends know. One of the greatest poisons of any relationship is having too much expectation from anyone person. Great relationships are developed when both parties focus on what they can give rather than what they can get.

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Tough Times Never Last

 “Tough Times Never Last Tough People Do”, a famous quote and book by Robert Schuller. The truth is, tough times would come to all of us, but what makes the difference is how we handle them. The  toughest time in my life was when my mum died. Those were challenging times and I had to mature quickly because of the responsibilities I assumed. What made my journey easier was the love I received from family, close friends and my local church. I couldn't have imagined what my experience would have been like without their support. Please you don't have to handle tough times all by yourself. Find people who love  and believe in you or seek counsellors for help. Many  people become discouraged and eventually get depressed, while others use tough times as stepping stones to greater things in their lives.  Contrary to western culture, asking for help is an attribute of the strong and not the weak.

 No one enjoys going through difficult situations but looking back at my experiences, I have realized that my toughest times were the ones that developed and helped me become a better person. Tough times measure your strength and it reveals who you truly are.  I must admit, it is difficult to see the gain in pain during these times, but tough times will develop your backbone.  The problems you encounter today will be someones solution tomorrow. That difficult subject,  job, assignment, colleague or manager you would rather avoid, is actually preparing you for your future career and handling people with difficult personalities on your leadership journey. Diamond is birth when extensive pressure is applied to carbon. Similarly, your tough times can make you better or bitter, your perspective is what makes that call.

In the words of Robert Schuller, "Tough Times Never Last but Tough People Do.". What doesn't break you makes you stronger. You can handle this.

Valentine's Day

Have you ever been in a situation where your kindness was taken for granted or  someone else got the credit for your hard work. If you have ever been in these situations before, it can be frustrating and hurtful. What typically happens is you protect yourself from further hurts and you stop doing those things you thought people abused. On the other hand, you can become unhealthily competitive because you want to win someone's approval. I believe an important question we should ask ourselves is what motivates us to show acts of kindness. Are we being kind because it is the right thing to do or are we unconsciously trying to buy over others through our actions? I believe we should always do things for others because it is the right thing to do. It doesn't matter if it is appreciated or not, our contentment comes from doing the right thing. I didn't always have this mentality but having been burned several times, I discovered my problem was in my expectation. I learned that my actions of kindness to others was my gift to them and I had no right expecting anything from them in return because that was not my motive. Don't get me wrong, I agree it is nice to be valued and appreciated for your contributions to the team or relationship, but you and I have no control over that. At the same time, I do not want to live in a world where my actions are dependent on the response of other people. That tells me I am no longer in control of what I want to do.

What does Valentines day mean to you? I believe it means selfless love. A love with no strings attached.  A love that does not feel that it is owed.  A love that appreciates everyone that has helped you along your journey or made your life a little easier. The true valentine is not a one day affair, it is a life style. If your partner, spouse or boss wrote you a note appreciating your efforts, am sure it will make your day. So, why dont you make someones day on Valentines by appreciating them. Happy Valentines everyone! Thank you for taking time to visit my blog.

Leaders Essentials: Working with Difficult People (I)

It took me a long time to get this, but when I did, it paid off. There are no difficult people, but people in difficult circumstances who act out.  When you have an understanding of where people are coming from, you are better able to understand and get along with them. There is a proverb that says when you point your finger at others, the remaining four are pointing right back at you. It is always easier to blame others for being difficult but it is important we also check ourselves. A good way to get along with people as a leader is to operate more as a relational leader than a positional one. When you get to know your team members individually and you have a relationship with them, they are more inclined to get along and go with you. I heard this quote a long time ago that "Rules + Regulations - Relationships = Rebellion + Resentment." All that said and done, it is important as a leader you know there are different types of difficult people, and no cap fits all when seeking a resolution. Your response as a leader is key to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. When you change your response, you'll change your life.

When confronted with a difficult situation, you can respond in the following ways - physical, verbal and mental. Your ability to manage each factor will help you during tough situations. When someone gets you mad, what do you do? You can choose to respond at that time, which i doubt will help matters, or you can walk away (physical response) to calm down and think things through (mental response) and finally respond (verbal response) . When you respond verbally, it is key that you do not blame the party, but seek how to solve the situation. When you cannot walk away, I have noticed that taking deep breaths will help dissipate your anger. An effective leader acts more like a thermostart rather than a thermometer. Your ability to manage your physical, verbal and mental response will help you in getting a resolution with difficult people. Having a negative response to a bad situation is equally as bad as creating it in the first place. When I was a lot younger and wanted to set things right, I discovered that people focused more on my response to the problem than what caused the situation itself. I was really frustrated by this and I learned the importance of responding appropriately to tough situations. You can't change anyone but you can control how you react to situations.

Remember that when you control  how you respond - physically, emotionally and verbally, you can turn a difficult situation around and get the difficult person on your corner.

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A leaders nightmare: Multi-tasking

The secret of concentration is elimination," Dr Howard Hendricks". Research has shown that you are more productive when you do one thing at a time rather than attempting to do several things simultaneously. According to Andy Stanley, the less you do, the more you accomplish. The Gallup organization research showed that the most successful people are not well rounded people. They are  people who focused on their strengths. It seems natural that aspiring young leaders want to prove themselves, and so they get involved in several things in the organization. Except you are the best in everything you do (amateur leaders think so), this is not an effective strategy for growing your organization, in fact you are harming your organization by denying other people who have an expertise in a particular area. While it may seem attractive to dip both hands into the work pie, you need to focus on what you do best. When you do this, you produce maximum results and this builds your credibility as a leader. You are not the leader because you are the best person for all job descriptions, you are the leader because you can inspire others to bring out their best. The best leaders set up their teams for success by aligning talent with specific job roles. I have been frustrated a times with output when I did not consider a persons strength before delegating a particular task.  When I matched  people with what they were good at, they excelled and were always motivated to do more. Your flaws are at a minimum when you operate in your strengths.

Think about it? How many people have met Tiger Woods, Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, Beyonce, Bruno Mars, etc . I am sure  that number is really small, but they are loved by millions all over the world. Why you may ask? It is their talents that made room for them all over the world. So, aspiring leader, when you focus on your focus(strengths), doors will open for you. Lesson in point: When you focus on who are you and channel that into your career or organization, you become irresistible.

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Super Bowl - When the lights go out

I was drawn into the Super Bowl when the lights went out for about 35 minutes and the game momentum changed. The scores were initially 28 - 6, with the Ravens having the upper hand. I was particularly interested because success in life is dependent on how well we are prepared for unforeseen circumstances. I was curious to know how the blackout was going to affect both teams.   We get insurance,  practice fire and earthquake drills to prepare us for the undated exams of life. I thought a well prepared team should be ready, regardless of any surprises the stadium might have. It was evident that the blackout affected the momentum of the Ravens, but not enough to rob them of their championship. The 49'ers were hard pressed to the floor and couldn't go any lower, so they took the blackout opportunity to bounce back.

If there is a take home message for that game, it is this -  even the best of plans can go awry, but what will make or break you is how well you have prepared for the unexpected.  How prepared are you for the unexpected? Do you know that your computer can crash without warning? What will give you some relief is if you backed up your data (DropBox). I am not admonishing us to become paranoid about everything, but to incorporate potential scenario solutions to your plans should something go wrong. Can you imagine what would happen to your organization if the only person that can make a change on an issue suddenly left? Be a step ahead of the game by having ready solutions when life happens.

  On the flip side, the 49'ers earned my maximum respect. They refused to be defeated in their mind and they lost the game fighting. They used the blackout as an opportunity to get it right again. What blackouts are you using as crutches not to achieve greater? Achievers use stumbling blocks as stepping stones. That is exactly what the 49'ers did, though they did not win the Super Bowl, but they will be remembered as the comeback team.

What blackouts have you had and how did you overcome them?

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It's Never too Late: Meet Kelvin Okafor

Believe it or not, you are not looking at photographs, they are drawings. I will like to introduce to you my OPEL (Ordinary Person, Extraordinary Life) for the month. Meet Kelvin Okafor, a 27-year-old British Artist, born to Nigerian parents. Kelvin, like many of us, had mixed feelings of following his passion. He felt his parents would not support his passion considering numerous unrecognized talents in the world. He won their support and graduated from Fine Arts at Middlesex University in 2009. He uses only pencil and graphite for his drawings, which are often mistaken for pictures. Today, Kelvin's drawings cost about $16,000 a piece with a time average of 80 hours. Kelvin has won several awards and accolades and his work is currently being shown at the British Science Museum. His drawing of the late King of Jordan is being presented to Queen Noor of Jordan. 

Looks great doesn't it? We have read about Kelvin Okafor, a fast rising star. If Kelvin never believed in his dream and pursued it, the world would have missed a great talent and probably he would have been second best doing another job. Kelvin refused to play it safe, instead he followed his passion. Like Kelvin, there is a seed of genius in you. Remember that talent or idea that was crushed or laughed at? Guess what? It's time to bring it back, no more excuses. Please don't tell me you are old and past your time. Susan Boyle came into limelight on the Britain's Got Talent Show at 47. Talents never gets old, excuses do. Time is of the essence, you are a gift to this generation. There is something in you that can make our world a better place. Just do it.

Turning Points Video

I am excited to premiering my online video of my book titled, Turning Points: Action Today, Change Tomorrow. Enjoy!

Who are You?

Really, who are you? Lets do a quick exercise.  Close your eyes for 30 seconds and ask yourself, who am I? What image of yourself did you see? Did you like what you saw? What influenced what you saw in your mind? Was it your past, education, grades, family, trauma, beauty or other people's perception? Each and everyone of us is where we are today based on the decisions we have made. Our decisions are based on our self perception and awareness. It is crucial we discover who we are because it affects what we are capable of doing. Walt Disney closed his eyes and imagined Disney Land. Steve Jobs closed his eyes and he saw Apple. Martin Luther King closed his eyes and saw an America where people will be judged by the content of their character, and not the color of their skin.  Barack Obama was the product of his dream. When you close your eyes, what do you see? Barack Obama, Walt Disney and Steve Jobs had their challenges, but they refused to let them define who they are and who they can become. 

The bend of a road is not the end of the road. Life might have dished you some unfavorable cards, but your setback can be a stepping stone to your comeback. The question of who you are is a difficult one, but it is vital you find an answer to that question.  No one really knows your situation like you do so do not let other people define you by their yard sticks. When I faced the question (who are you), I read a book titled, "In Pursuit of Purpose" by Myles Munroe. I remember he mentioned that every thing that is made solves a problem. A pencil solves your writing needs, a chair solves your comfort needs, a lawyer solves your legal needs, and a doctor solves your health needs. Similarly, you are a solution to a cause or people some where. You are not part of the problem, you are a solution. You are meant to be celebrated and not endured. When you are on the wrong job, relationship or place, you always feel like a problem.

The way you are is because of why you are. Celebrate your individuality and express your originality. Regardless of what you have gone through, you need to start seeing a positive image of the real you.  There is no present without a past and you have the ability to rewrite your future. When you do that, you become like a precious metal that adds value where ever you are. You will apply for jobs you love to do and not the ones you think you can get. You become a people leader because you are able to relate with others. Who you are and who you are going to become is dependent on the decisions you make. When you discover who you are, you will see the best, give your best, and do your best.

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Are you a Pregnant Leader?

Today the world population is over 7 billion people and counting.  Our ability to reproduce after our kind has kept the human population growing, and prevented it from extinction. In essence, reproduction is what ensures growth and longevity. Similarly, it is crucial that leaders reproduce other leaders to ensure the continuity of their organizations. A wise man once said,"You can teach people what you know, but you can only reproduce who you are." The primary goal of leadership is not to have followers, but breed other leaders. Great leaders should never be content with having yes people around them, but they should surround themselves with people better than themselves.

According to John Maxwell, a leader without a successor is a failure. If you are doing great things in your organization and there is no one to continue your legacy, then what was the point of starting them in the first place? A leader's trophy is multiplying other leaders because that's what ensures a better future for the organization. Insecure leaders are often frightened, and look for ways to pull down their rising stars. Great leaders birth other leaders through coaching, mentoring, training and giving them opportunities, which sets them up for success. Insecure leaders on the other hand, keep growing followers. Take a look at any established home, organization or business, and you will find it has great leadership with a solid succession strategy. 

Are you a pregnant leader? Will your organization, team or business, survive and thrive after you are gone? Who are you grooming, mentoring or training?  Until what you know can be duplicated in someone else, you don't have a mastery of it yet. It is never too late, start today.

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