What every girl needs to know about her BF's friends

I have the opportunity of meeting, mentoring and counseling a lot of dynamic people. I found some recurring  themes and I thought sharing this information would help someone out there.

You are having the time of your life and probably believe you have met the man of your dreams. Not seeing your loved one for a day seems unthinkable and  feels like eternity. One thing you may have forgotten is that, he had a life before he met you. I know you had one too and thats why it is important for the health of the relationship that your worlds do not merge into one. It is a great idea to follow the wise advice that suggests you  should be close enough to keep each other warm and far enough not to burn each other out in your relationships.

Relationships are not crutches, rather, they are like wings that take us to another level. To be honest, I do not know too many people who enjoy the company of a needy person. I know you mean the world to your mate but give each other  room to breathe. Your partner cannot miss you if you are always there. Some couples have a tendency to isolate themselves from their friends which eventually bites them in the end. Remember no one can meet all your needs, each of you still need other people in your lives in other for your relationship to be balanced. It is never too late to start rebuilding the bridges you may have burned. If the bridge is intact, ensure you strengthen it. A good way to strengthen such bridges is to have a healthy rapport with your BF's friends. Friends have substancial influence over us and they can help during rocky times when you or your BF seeks advice from their inner circle. I have heard  of several broken relationships and engagements because friends who were left out of or ignored when the couple had their good times refused to  be peacemakers when things got out of hand.

The truth is, we all want to be around and hold onto things and people we love but when it becomes excessive, it causes our loved ones to withdraw rather than draw close to us. When people come together to establish any form of relationship, it is wise to share each others worlds rather than one party taking it over. 

The Grateful Become Great

Happy Thanksgiving!  Thanksgiving is a designated day when we are grateful for the blessings we have received. It is a time to be thankful for the great things happening in our lives, knowing fully well that, whatever situation we are in could have been worse. Before you sit down and start digging into your Thanksgiving turkey, remember that for more than half of the world population, your meal is a luxury. I know the healthcare is not perfect but more than half of the world population have none at all.  Education is expensive but a lot of people all over the world have no education at all. The UN just established Malala Day in recognition of Malala who was shot because she encouraged young girls to be educated in Pakistan.  We live in an imperfect world and there will always be issues, but we choose to focus on whats working in our lives. The fact that we are alive means there is hope and that's something to be grateful for. We live in a country that is the envy of the world. The veterans sacrifice their lives so that we can all live in peace. Whatever we appreciate increases in value, so, Thanksgiving should be done on a daily basis in our hearts. Today is a gift, tomorrow is a promise, why not give thanks for the hope of a greater tomorrow. Happy thanksgiving and Bon appetit everyone!

The statement "You can do anything you set your mind to do" is not totally true

"You can do anything you set your mind to do", is often taken out of context. This statement in my opinion is like a two edged sword. It has helped so many people and brought so many others down. This quote can be spinned however you like but lets put these words in proper context. If I told you that you could do or be anything you want and you take the statement literally, you definitely could take some honey and lime and pick up a microphone and try to sing like Mariah Careh, hopefully the sound coming out is not too frightening. It takes more than hard work to sing like Whitney Houston, entertain like Michael Jackson, act like Julia Roberts, compose like Andrew Webber and build an organization like Steve Jobs did. You have got to have talent. So when the statement "You can do anything you set your mind to do"  is used, people are talking about achieving excellence or making what seems impossible possible by pursuing your talents. This is because when you pursue your talents, there are no limits to what you can achieve, but there are limits when all you have are skills. You are usually the best at what you love and thats related to your talents.

Jim Weinner, CEO of linkedin, recently echoed the same words but what exactly did he mean.My goal is to help you put some balance to these statement so that you are better informed.  Success has many paths but two are non negotiable, which are hard/smart work and talent. If you have a natural talent in an area and you couple that with hard work, in a matter of time, the world will notice you. So why aren't many people successful? I don't have all the answers but this i know for sure, many people have chosen careers based on either the economy, family pressure, prestige, peer influence or uncertainty. These people are hard working for sure but they are struggling to keep up. There are trying to be anything they want to be. A problem that often occurs is, when you compare these group with people who have the natural ability and are hard working, they often fall short. They can be successful in their careers alright but they are probably not fulfilled because they have chased dreams that was not built or designed for their talents. 

We don't have to look much further, just go to hospitals and see disgruntled health workers who are mean  to the patienrs they are sworn to protect. Classrooms are filled with professors who hate teaching and students pay the price for that. Students who see the class as a bridge to a bigger dream or a dream itself, often don't let the inadequacies of a teacher or TA deter them. Too many people are trying to be what they are not and ignoring who they are and that's messing up so many lives . I have a friend who was one of the best medical students in his class and graduated with flying colors. He never practiced medicine a day in his life. Today he is in finance. He succeeded and was the best in medicine but he wasn't fulfilled. Whatever dream you are chasing should bring you fulfillment. Prestige, fame, money are byproducts of a fulfilled career. 

You can set your mind to do anything (achieve sustainable excellence), if you pursue your dreams and accomplish them through your talents. When you do, all other things will follow.

Job Hunting?

Looking for a job is a job in itself. Combing that with any other kind of work can make job hunting seem overwhelming. What doesn't help is when employers do not get back to you or you see very generic emails and you know that your resume wasn't given the light of day. I have had my share of both good and bad experiences  and I am hoping you learn from both  via the following:

1. Finding a job is similar to finding a future partner. You want to make sure you get it right rather than making it right. I recommend that you read StrengthsFinder 2.0,  take the Myers Briggs  and  Strongs Interests Inventory tests. They will help you in matching your talents with potential roles you would excel at.
2. Have a list of potential companies you will like to work for and check out their job requirements. You can use this to choose potential classes in college.
3. Start looking early- typically you should start looking for a job a year before you think you need one. This is because it can take  a long time for background checks, paper work etc. This also reduces pressure on you instead of waiting till the last minute. I hear someone say I don't have that time anymore, thats okay, look at the next point.
4. Use your network - Find out where your friends, parents friends, friends of friends are  and try to get connected with them. Linkedin is a great tool for this, I actually got some interviews via linkedin. I got my internship through a friend who worked at the company. He took my resume to the hiring manager and I had the skills they were looking for.
5. It is important that you know if a company is a good fit for you. I know this does not seem important if you just need a job to pay the bills. A good balance  is to find out if you can do an internship or volunteer their. A broken engagement is better than a broken marriage, so it is better to use your internship as a good fit test.
6. Looking for your next job or internship can look like forever, but do not loose hope. While you are waiting, you can invest in yourself by volunteering and start preparing for interviews (behavioral based) cause you never know when you will get that call.
7. Lastly, have you thought of starting a business or putting some flesh to that childhood dream. Richard Branson founder Virgin records and Virgin Atlantic, started his company because he was tired of receiving rejection letters. Richard Branson is one of the wealthiest men in America today.  Not having a job does not mean you have no talents, maybe you are meant to be a job provider for others.  Henry Ford said does who dont take risks work for those who do. Go for it, you can do it.

Lessons from 2012 US Presidential Elections

The elections have come and gone, while we may be in a hurry to forget the details of the bitter campaign, we must not forget the lessons left behind. Fortunately, there is something to take away for everyone and they are neither red or blue centered. The following are my top picks:

1. The solution to the economy lies neither with Obama or Romney according to Ken Fisher a   columnist for Forbes magazine and the Founder and CEO of Fisher Investments. (I hope that makes you feel better). 
2. Never under estimate the competition no matter how good you are. We all know the impact a bad debate had on President Obama. 
3. Be careful what you say especially when you are on camera. It can eventually be taken out of context and used against you. We remember the infamous 47% comments made by Gov Romney and the redistribution of wealth statements by President Obama.
4. On matters of principle, be firm. For anything else, go with the flow. Both presidential candidates were accused of flip flopping. This reduced credibility and believability on both aisles.
5. Focus on issues and not personalities. Any time either candidate focused  on race, wealth, birth certificate...etc. It often worked against them and made the public sympathetic to the perceived underdog.
6. The moments after victory or defeat are important because they can make you memorable or forgettable. I am not in a position to judge authenticity but Pres Obama's speech seemed inclusive while Gov Romney seemed like an outreach
7. No condition is permanent. Gov Romney nearly won the election  which was impressive considering the fact that he was several points below the president.
8. It is not necessarily the best candidate that wins an election but the first seller. The democrats had many negatives going into the election but they compensated that with a good strategy to bring out their supporters. The republicans had a good message but  were outwitted by the sales team of the democrats
9. Diversity is the spice of life and it helps win elections too - Just before the winner was announced, the democrats had a lot of diversity in the crowd but the republican crowd was very homogeneous.  
10. People will first buy into you before they burn into what you have to offer.
11. The American dollar bill has on it "In God We Trust". I guess that the nation builders put that for a reason knowing that the best of us is still fallible.
12. Where there is life, there is hope. There is hope for America. Division means two visions. Any divided house is sure to fall. It is time to come together and do great things again.  You have done it before, you can do it again.

Band-Aid Relationships

Band-Aids are often used in dressing burns, wounds etc.  Band-Aids are often temporary solutions to  bigger pending issues.  Imagine a person who puts on a band-aid due to an injury. Once the injury heals, the band-aid is taken off. It has served its function and its time to take it off.

Just like band-aid needs to be taken off when an injury heals, so your help may no longer be required when the person is stronger and can better handle the situation. The issue now is that you have become attached to the person you were trying to help and breaking off seems hard.

Band-Aids are good but they are temporary. We have all been or had band-aid relationships in our lives. Many people have felt used because someone they helped overcome a difficult situation moved on and left them hanging.  It is true that your feelings of ingratitude from the person you assisted may be justified, many times, you have just fallen victim of the band-aid relationship. When we try to outlive the season of any relationship, it gets sour and we  get frustrated. In band-aid relationships,  the person in question often sees you as a spacer (someone for the season) and you see the person as a keeper (long lasting). Not being on the same page results in both parties  being disappointed. In many band-aid relationships, the person going through a hard time is not  trying to use you. Just like you don't need a crutch when your leg heals, so does the person in question will let go of your assistance when they are better. So, you may want to check your motives before you decide to be a shoulder to lean on.

So what happens when you really like someone and you dont want to become a band-aid victim?

 It is important that you guard your emotions and be objective about the situation. Not every relationship is permanent, some are seasonal. Also, focus more on what the person needs and not what you have to get out of it. Ask yourself, if you are expecting a form of compensation or returned favor for the actions you are rendering? You can get other people involved so that the person in question is not overly dependent on you.  If your kind gesture is not reciprocated, you can be content that you did the right thing by helping a hurting soul. 

Remember, you only have control over your actions and not anyone else. Love is like a gift that you need not do anything to earn . 

Change with Change or Be Exchanged

I had mixed feelings when we moved to a different neighborhood when I was growing up. I was excited we were moving into a new house, but these feelings faded quickly when I thought about the friends I wouldn’t see anymore. I was not sure what our new environment would look like. Would the neighbors be friendly? Would I make new friends? Would the other kids even like me? So many questions flew through my head but very few answers. The thought of how things were going to be different was frightening.

I have come to accept that change is the only constant in this world. I didn’t like change because I was uncertain of what it would bring. We all want predictability in our lives to some degree. In my experience, change is an opportunity to get it right, a second chance to redefine and evolve.

Change comes to all of us and is a matter of when, not if. I believe the best way to prepare for change is to enjoy every season of life and leave no room for regrets. There are many things over which we have no control, but we do have a say about our memories. It takes only a moment for reality to become a memory, so make every one of them count.

There Is No Recipe for a Happy Relationship

The term happy relationship is relative. The criteria for judging whether a relationship is good or bad changes from person to person, which is why it is important you and your loved one work out what happy looks like to each of you in your relationship.

While I believe there is no recipe for a happy relationship, there are some ingredients that are always present in happy ones. Topping the list are unconditional love, respect, and forgiveness. Great relationships are never contractual. A relationship based on eye-for-an-eye, tooth-for-a-tooth is sure to fail.

There are many available resources for successful relationships, much of which can be confusing since people offer conflicting information on similar situations. In my experience, outside resources should serve as guides and not rules. No one knows your situation like you do. Knowledge is only powerful when it is applied, so I gather all the resources available to me and ask myself how I can apply them to my circumstance. You must customize the information available to you and make it your own.

What does a happy relationship look like for your partner and you? Remember, it all starts in the mind. A future you cannot picture you cannot feature in. You may need to discuss with your partner what a happy relationship looks like to each of you and make a road map. It is okay if you are not there yet; you can determine in which direction you need to be headed.

Regardless of your relationship health status, you can start your journey by creating a picture of a happy relationship in your mind. As Napoleon Hill says, “Whatever your mind can believe and conceive, it can achieve.”

911 Relationships

It often amazes me that we have insurance for everything ranging from life to flood coverages. This keeps us assured if and when anything goes wrong. What baffles me is that, when it comes to relationships, people are not getting themselves insured. We are not investing in relationships that will help and keep us going when the storms of life come our way. Just like we have to pay our taxes to help organizations like FEMA, police, fire department do their jobs. We also have to consciously invest in building meaningful relationships. I have realized that many of us have relationships that are a superficial (a mile wide but an inch deep). We seem to be uncomfortable  having deep relationships with others. Is this a possible reason that abusers and bullies get away because victims do not have deep enough connections that encourage them to be vulnerable and speak out about their issues? I believe 911 relationships can help reduce the rate of suicides in our country.

911 relationships are deep and significant connections in our lives. Such relationships are characterized by openness, vulnerability and desire to ensure mutual growth. 911 connections will pick up your call at 3 am and will travel the world to meet you if need be. 911 relationships are crucial and are at their best when emergencies occur. It's the depth of your relationships that activates their response. If your car broke down on the high way, you can’t just call triple AAA to respond right away. They would ask  for your policy number and not having that means you will have to pay a high premium, if you want the service right away.   We even need to be particularly attentive with the age of Facebook and Twitter that pose virtual friends or followers. While such technologies are great for business and recreation, they should not replace the power of personal connections. 

In death, loved ones come together to carry the coffin of the deceased, but you don't have to wait till then before the same ones carry you in life.

Are you a 911 friend to anyone? Do you have any 911 friends? The good news is that, it is not too late, you can start developing one today.

Blessing in Disguise

Always remind yourself that whoever walks out on you did not deserve you and is not connected to your future. (Of course, this is assuming you were not the cause of someone leaving you.) Like my parents used to say, a broken engagement is better than a broken marriage. It is a blessing to lose someone before the stakes are really high and the consequences even more so. It is their loss to not appreciate a diamond when they see one.

I have had people I loved and valued walk out on me, and those were hurting times. However, I must confess that in hindsight some of these “walk outs” were blessings in disguise. They made me stronger and wiser and taught me to believe in myself.

Sometimes it is appropriate for someone to walk out on us to snap us back to reality and save us from destruction. Many addicts seek help only when a loved one threatens to leave or actually walks out the door. In an abusive relationship, the person who is being abused is better off without the abuser. Hopefully, this will serve as a wake-up call for the abuser to seek help.