Change with Change or Be Exchanged

I had mixed feelings when we moved to a different neighborhood when I was growing up. I was excited we were moving into a new house, but these feelings faded quickly when I thought about the friends I wouldn’t see anymore. I was not sure what our new environment would look like. Would the neighbors be friendly? Would I make new friends? Would the other kids even like me? So many questions flew through my head but very few answers. The thought of how things were going to be different was frightening.

I have come to accept that change is the only constant in this world. I didn’t like change because I was uncertain of what it would bring. We all want predictability in our lives to some degree. In my experience, change is an opportunity to get it right, a second chance to redefine and evolve.

Change comes to all of us and is a matter of when, not if. I believe the best way to prepare for change is to enjoy every season of life and leave no room for regrets. There are many things over which we have no control, but we do have a say about our memories. It takes only a moment for reality to become a memory, so make every one of them count.

There Is No Recipe for a Happy Relationship

The term happy relationship is relative. The criteria for judging whether a relationship is good or bad changes from person to person, which is why it is important you and your loved one work out what happy looks like to each of you in your relationship.

While I believe there is no recipe for a happy relationship, there are some ingredients that are always present in happy ones. Topping the list are unconditional love, respect, and forgiveness. Great relationships are never contractual. A relationship based on eye-for-an-eye, tooth-for-a-tooth is sure to fail.

There are many available resources for successful relationships, much of which can be confusing since people offer conflicting information on similar situations. In my experience, outside resources should serve as guides and not rules. No one knows your situation like you do. Knowledge is only powerful when it is applied, so I gather all the resources available to me and ask myself how I can apply them to my circumstance. You must customize the information available to you and make it your own.

What does a happy relationship look like for your partner and you? Remember, it all starts in the mind. A future you cannot picture you cannot feature in. You may need to discuss with your partner what a happy relationship looks like to each of you and make a road map. It is okay if you are not there yet; you can determine in which direction you need to be headed.

Regardless of your relationship health status, you can start your journey by creating a picture of a happy relationship in your mind. As Napoleon Hill says, “Whatever your mind can believe and conceive, it can achieve.”

911 Relationships

It often amazes me that we have insurance for everything ranging from life to flood coverages. This keeps us assured if and when anything goes wrong. What baffles me is that, when it comes to relationships, people are not getting themselves insured. We are not investing in relationships that will help and keep us going when the storms of life come our way. Just like we have to pay our taxes to help organizations like FEMA, police, fire department do their jobs. We also have to consciously invest in building meaningful relationships. I have realized that many of us have relationships that are a superficial (a mile wide but an inch deep). We seem to be uncomfortable  having deep relationships with others. Is this a possible reason that abusers and bullies get away because victims do not have deep enough connections that encourage them to be vulnerable and speak out about their issues? I believe 911 relationships can help reduce the rate of suicides in our country.

911 relationships are deep and significant connections in our lives. Such relationships are characterized by openness, vulnerability and desire to ensure mutual growth. 911 connections will pick up your call at 3 am and will travel the world to meet you if need be. 911 relationships are crucial and are at their best when emergencies occur. It's the depth of your relationships that activates their response. If your car broke down on the high way, you can’t just call triple AAA to respond right away. They would ask  for your policy number and not having that means you will have to pay a high premium, if you want the service right away.   We even need to be particularly attentive with the age of Facebook and Twitter that pose virtual friends or followers. While such technologies are great for business and recreation, they should not replace the power of personal connections. 

In death, loved ones come together to carry the coffin of the deceased, but you don't have to wait till then before the same ones carry you in life.

Are you a 911 friend to anyone? Do you have any 911 friends? The good news is that, it is not too late, you can start developing one today.

Blessing in Disguise

Always remind yourself that whoever walks out on you did not deserve you and is not connected to your future. (Of course, this is assuming you were not the cause of someone leaving you.) Like my parents used to say, a broken engagement is better than a broken marriage. It is a blessing to lose someone before the stakes are really high and the consequences even more so. It is their loss to not appreciate a diamond when they see one.

I have had people I loved and valued walk out on me, and those were hurting times. However, I must confess that in hindsight some of these “walk outs” were blessings in disguise. They made me stronger and wiser and taught me to believe in myself.

Sometimes it is appropriate for someone to walk out on us to snap us back to reality and save us from destruction. Many addicts seek help only when a loved one threatens to leave or actually walks out the door. In an abusive relationship, the person who is being abused is better off without the abuser. Hopefully, this will serve as a wake-up call for the abuser to seek help.

Side-Effects

What are the side effects of your actions? Do you know that  many prescription drugs do not make it to market because their side effects does more harm than good than the intended drug.  Similarly, It is important that we consider the consequences of our actions or in-actions before carrying them out.This is important because some decisions you make could have some un-intended consequences . Doing this could save you a lot of heartaches and regrets later.

There is Greatness within You

If you take a corn seed and plant it into the ground and water it, After some time it starts to grow and finally you have your harvest. You started with a seed and you now have hundreds or thousands of seeds attached round a maize cub. Similarly, the seed that you have is your talent, the soil that its planted in is your career/job/hobby. The watering is the development of your talent by applying yourself and constantly developing yourself through reading, association, workshops...etc. Increase comes with use. If you are frustrated and feel your current circumstance does not reflect your ability then ask yourself the following:

Do I have any talent?

Trust me, we all do. Many times we have a tendency to under play our talents and take them for granted.  look deep down inside of you or speak with close friends or family to help you discover what they think you do exceptionally well consistently and sparks your creativity. 

Am I in the right place? 

Where have you planted yourself in terms of a job, career, association etc? If you are in a place where your natural abilities are not encouraged and celebrated, you will feel discouraged and unvalued. If you have to change who you are in order to fit into your job role then you may need to think again. The way you are is because of why you are. Maize crops do not strive on beach soil but palm trees do. There are places that your personality and uniqueness fit, so there is no point trying to force a square peg in a round hole. Deposit your talent where the rate of success is high.

Am I applying myself?

This is taking responsibility to ensure you grow by investing in learning and development. Read books, seek out a mentor, Join clubs or associations that will lead you to your dreams. This way, you grow your talent to become a strength. Afterwards, you will see that you are performing at a high level consistently.

Take It Back

Too many times many of us let others define us by seeking permission to be ourselves, by constantly looking for affirmation and letting what others think of us dictate our actions. It is important we get to that point in our lives when we dont need anyone to treat us in a particular way to feel special. You existence is proof that you matter. You are peculiar and valuable, so make it count. 

My mantra is "I matter where it matters and where i do not matter, it does not matter"

Better Sorry Than Safe

A rubber band is only useful when it is stretched. The rubber band has two states, relaxed and stretched. The relaxed state of a rubber band is not useful for anything, but the stretched state is where its purpose is maximized. Likewise, people who want to achieve great things cannot afford to remain in their relaxed state, or comfort zone.

High flyers in all walks of life have an all-or-nothing attitude. Think of any great work of art. It took many, many hours to create the masterpiece. Humans did not land on the moon out of convenience. It was a vision that was conceived and birthed through hard work and determination. The Wright brothers, who invented the world’s first successful airplane, encountered many failed attempts. It was not an easy task, but difficult did not mean impossible for the duo.

You cannot play it safe and expect to make an impact at the same time. Playing it safe is living in a relaxed state, which is below your potential— filled with regrets (woulda-coulda-shoulda) is not a happy place to be. It is always better to aim high. Even if you miss your target, your end result is still good.

Leaders are Born and Made

There is an ongoing debate as to whether leaders are made or born. I believe it is both.

Some people believe that leadership like any other skill can be learned. While there is some truth to this, to assume that leadership is mutually exclusive of talent, acquired skills, and knowledge is like saying you can learn to sing like Mariah Carey or paint like Leonardo da Vinci if you attend the right school. Skills and knowledge without talent can take you only so far; at best, you become a good leader but not a great leader. I believe in order to become a great leader, you must possess some innate qualities.

Imagine someone with tremendous sales talent. In order for him to maintain high productivity, he must believe in what he is selling and have a good knowledge of the product. These two factors coupled with his natural talent for persuasion are what make him successful. But remove one of the factors, and you will see a negative impact on his performance.

If you teach someone the product information and try to infuse some passion into him without him having natural sales talent, he will probably be a mediocre salesperson as opposed to someone who has all three factors. Likewise, you can teach people leadership skills, but if they do not have passion for leading others, they will fail in comparison to someone who does.

When I Meet The One...

Can one person be everything to you in a relationship? Can a single individual play the role of friend, parent, lover, mentor, doctor, confidant, gym partner, mind reader, and legal adviser? A dentist cannot help you with bone or joint problems. He would rather leave the final judgment to a specialist in that field.

Many of us are in a constant search for the “right” person, place, or thing and think when we get him, her, or it all will be well with us. However, the truth is, no one person or thing can meet all our needs and solve all our problems. That is far too heavy a load for any one person to carry. This expectation may have ruined many potential relationships because they did not fit our picture of “The One.”

It is important that we let people care for us in the areas where they naturally excel and not where we expect their support. Having this mind- set will save us from this endless search and will open our hearts to let a variety of people be a blessing to us and be blessed by us, thus relieving the stress or burden on any one person.

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