How to Prevent a Relationship Shutdown

Communication is the life blood of any relationship, once communication stops, your relationship begins to deteriorate. When you want to turn off your computer you are given the options - Standby, Turn off and Restart. These options are very similar to the options we have when we encounter difficulties in our personal and professional relationships. Each of these options have their consequences, but one that may be overlooked is the  cancel option.  This option enables you to think about the consequences of your action or inaction before you take a rash decision.   A good example of a "Turn Off" action is the recent US government shutdown. The House of Congress and the White House focused more on their differences and that resulted in a communication breakdown and resulted in almost a million people suffering for the poor decisions of their leaders. The divorce rate in America is about 50% and companies spend billions every year on managing conflict. It is no secret that your ability to get along with people you would rather avoid is critical to your success in both your personal and professional lives. When you meet people you like, you focus more on what you have in common. For those you would rather avoid, you tend to focus on your differences.  To stay connected with others, we have to train ourselves to focus on the good in others. I agree it may be difficult locating bright spots in some people, but if you find it, it will make your life a lot easier.

Depending on your personality, you will probably respond to tense situations differently. If your goal is to prevent your relationship from shutting down, it is important that you do not sweep situations under the carpet. Ignoring the elephant in the room will not make it go away, in fact, the elephant will destroy more things the longer its left wondering around. I hear you say, "I do not like confrontation" but the truth is, whatever you are unwillingly to confront never goes away. Mediums such as email, telephone can easily be escape routes but are more easily misinterpreted. A face to face, heart to heart conversation still works wonders. Remember you can prevent a shut down in your relationships by both sides compromising and not destroying it by finger pointing. 

Stop Worrying About What Other People Think About You!

I used to worry a lot about other people's opinion about me and it resulted in me being a people pleaser though I remained unhappy. My turning point came when I discovered that in order to have any healthy and striving relationship, I had to be myself and more importantly, I had to accept my individuality and celebrate my originality. Many times when you try to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one. It is no secret that people are more interested in themselves and their issues rather than thinking about others. It is also unwise to spend more time on a critic than a friend.  If you have to act in a certain way or be someone else in other to fit into a group or get a friend then its not worth your time and effort. There are people out there who appreciate and see your uniqueness. Its not your responsibility to convince anyone to see the gem in you. 

Life is short, don't waste time worrying about what people think of you. Hold on to the ones that care, in the end they will be the only ones there. That said,  A lot of people these days are unwilling to accept feedback and forget that feedback is vital for growth in any relationship. Worry about your character and not your reputation, because your character is who you are, and your reputation is only what people think of you. 

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Its a New Day!

Its time to stop complaining about what could have been or what you had achieved in the past. There is no present without a past. Champions use their pasts as stepping stones to achieve their goals. No one can determine your future but you. It may be true that life may have dealt you the wrong set of cards but you can choose how you respond. Why don't you choose to start afresh. You may not be able to rewrite the past but you can rewrite the future.  Where there is a way, there is a will. You can do it!

How to Ace The Fall Quarter

Summer is over and Fall quarter is already seeming overwhelming. If you are like me, you may need a mental transition to get back into the groove of things. Fall offers so many distractions and opportunities to make things right again. I am sure some of you have realized that though you did not require much study during high school, college is an equalizer. The people who get A's are not necessary the best and brightest, but the ones who are prepared to pay due diligence and start the quarter right from day one. If you are ready to have a great  and fulfilling quarter, then I'll invite you to read on. To have a great quarter you can do the following:

1. Determine what your goals for the quarter are.  Write down your academic, relationship goals, sports, social and spiritual goals
2. Now determine the ones that are most important to you. I am guessing academics should be number one. You can list your priorities in the following order. - Highly Important & Urgent - Highly Important & Not Urgent, - Low Importance & Urgent, - Low Importance & Not Urgent. Your objective is to accomplish all the highly important things first before you move to the ones that have low importance. Proper time management is what separates the A students from the rest. 
3. Write down a daily plain on how you are going to achieve your goals for the above
4. It is important to make friends and have social activities but it is crucial that you understand yourself and know how much you can handle. Don't compare yourself with others, your friends may be able to be in 10 different groups, party, be in relationships and yet still get A's.
5. Association is key to inspiration. After you have determined where you want to go with your quarter, it is important you find a team of friends that will help you stay on track. When I wanted to improve my grades while in college, I found a group of people who where already where I wanted to be. These people had a positive influence in my life and they eventually became dear friends of mine. If you want to get better, surround yourself with smarter people. If this is going to work, you have to see yourself as a contributor to the group and not just an observer or drainer.
6. Get a mentor:  Look for people who can be of help such as faculty, TA's & older students. In choosing a mentor, choose someone you have a connection with and is willingly to help.Your mentors can help you through personal stuff and ensure you are fully engaged in school 
7. Play hard:  if you have worked hard then you need to play hard in order not to burn out.

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Fight or Flight

When pushed to our limits we either fight or fly. It is always easier to fly and escape from the situation. If you and I want to make a difference in this tough world, we have to develop a thick skin. Tough times never last but tough people do. You can handle much more than you think you can. If you want to be a winner then you must practice winning by learning not to quit on your dreams but perserve through the storms. Fighting also requires knowing when to fly - if your life is danger, drop all else and run.  That is wisdom!

There is Always a Way

Everyone of us will go through challenging times at some point in our lives. We can either surrender to our circumstances or keep hoping and believing that a door will open if we keep pressing on. Our resolve and belief that things will eventually work out is what separates victors from victims. It takes the hammer of persistence to drive in the nails of success. The world always makes room for a person who knows where they are going. Remember that it always seems darkest before dawn, so keep keeping on. Winners never quit and quitters never win. You are a winner!

Just Do it!

How to Apologize

How many times have your intentions being misunderstood by others and led to  anger, grudges and even broken relationships. I have been on that path before and this prompted me to investigate the proper way to apologize. Even the best communicators and well mannered people could offend others without realizing it. It is important that we learn the art of a good apology and hopefully that helps to restore and strengthen both or personal and business relationships. A good apology requires work because you have to prepare for the apology and hopefully you get a positive response from the other person.

According to Aaron Lazare, former dean and professor of psychiatry at the University of Massachusetts Medical School and author of the book on Apology, a good apology should contain the following:

1. An acknowledgement of the offense
2. An explanation of your actions
3. An expression of remorse
4. Some sort of reparation

Lazare says, " If you admit responsibility but don't say you regret anything, then you are justifying your actions. You are saying, Yes I did it but heres why. If you admit regret but not responsibility, thats an excuse." It is important that a good apology indicates ownership of what happened and also clear in admitting regret for what happened.  Of course a good apology has to have a heart to it and not just mechanical. According to Lazare, "I'm sorry if you got offended", " I'm sorry-ish" - are not apologies. Hugging it out or giving a hi five should only be suggested by the offending party.  Crying it out may be a little too much. Remember to maintain eye contact, avoid smiling so as not to water down what you are trying to do.

Giving someone a heartfelt  apology is an attribute of the strong and not of weaklings. It is a good and honorable thing to do. It has the power to restore broken relationships and make them stronger. Would you rather loose your pride or a great relationship? Do the right thing. The perfect time is now.

How an Introvert Can Be Happier... (2)

This a follow up from part 1

You might wonder if acting against your natural tendencies will wear you out eventually? Dr Zelenski said, " We didn't find a lot of evidence for the idea that acting like an extrovert will wear out introverts. However we found that acting like introverts wore out extroverts".  Prof Brian Little, a psychology professor at Cambridge, University in the United Kingdom, disagrees with Dr Zelenski's findings. He believes that acting out of character can take a psychological toll on the nervous and immune systems. He believes that an introvert who often has to engage in extroverted behavior, such as making speeches, in order to advance his work. Afterward, Dr little says he often needs to emotionally recharge.

Some researchers believe that genetics also plays a factor why people act the way they do. Luke Smilie, a senior lecturer of psychology at the university of Melbourne in Australia, brings in a different perspective and notes that most studies about introverts and extroverts take place in the US and other western countries where extroversion is often regarded to be valuable. Luke says, " Would you observe the same effects in cultures that didn't have this sort of value placed on being outgoing and assertive and so forth? he said   

Susan Cain, a corporate lawyer and the author of the book,"Quiet: the power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking," which argues that introverts are unfairly maligned. Rather than trying to to get introverts to act more extroverted, she argues that society should be drawing on their natural strengths, which can include being a good listener and working creatively. 

How an Introvert Can Be Happier: Act Like ...(1)

On my flight from Atlanta, I saw an interesting article in the Wall Street Journal, titled, "How an Introvert Can Be Happier: Act Like an Extrovert". Below is an excerpt from the article.

Extroverts, those outgoing, gregarious types who wear their personalities on their sleeve, are generally happier, studies show. Some research also has found that introverts , who are more withdrawn in nature, will feel a greater sense of happiness if they act extroverted. Experts are not entirely sure why acting like extroverts makes people feel better. One theory is that being a talkative and engaging influences how people respond to you, especially if that response is positive. some studies have shown that extroverts are more motivated than introverts. Researchers believe this is due in part to extroverts greater sensitivity to dopamine, a neurotransmitter that plays a big role in behavior driven rewards. Others speculate that people get more satisfaction when they express their core opinions. "If you are introverted and act extroverted, you will feel happier. It doesn't matter who you are, it's all about what you do." said William Fleeson, a psychology professor at Wake forest University in Winston Salem, N.C.

Mr Powell disagrees with research findings that extroverts are happier and more motivated. Mr powell says that his source of happiness include learning and reading a good book. " I may not share my happiness as willingly as other people...but I consider myself just as happy  and I'm extremely motivated to learn  and grow as an individual."

So why don't introverts act like extroverts more often? John Zelenski a psychologist at Carleton University in Ottawa, and fellow researchers probed that question. Their findings "Introverts kind of underestimate how much fun it will be to act extroverted.

What do you think about the article about introverts needing to act like extroverts? Do extroverts ever need to act like introverts in order to be more balanced individuals?

Watch out for part 2!